Bittersweet

Earth day is a special day for me for another reason. I got to bring my oldest son Collin home from the NICU on this day.

When you are pregnant there are some many questions, fear, and excitement about the whole thing. You plan the best you can. You decide on decor, what kind of diapers, breastfeeding, care, and birth plan. Well even the most well laid out plans rarely go as planned. I have planned to have Collin natural birth with no drugs. Well life had other plans. 5 weeks before i was due i went to the hospital for a routine stress test. Well after they did my test and checked my urine they realized that something was terribly wrong. I had preclamsia BAD!!! and it was making Collin weak. They admitted me right then and there and starting putting me on magnesium. That stuff if so bad it makes you feel like you have a fever and you blood is boiling. They kept me overnight only to find that things where worse. Collin's health was still declining and i was getting so bad i was about an hour away from total kidney failure.

I was rushed right to Columbia b/c Moberly hospital didn't have the equipment needed to deal with me and a 5 week early baby. Got to Columbia and they stabilized me. It was a good thing b/c my Aunt Denise was my nurse. Then they decided to give me potosin to start my labor to get Collin out. After 6 hours and no progress they decided on c-section.

All that was a total blur to me. I remember being prepped i was so out of it i didn't remember much. After they got Collin out i got to see him for 10 seconds. i got a side glace at him. I couldn't touch him they had me pinned to the table like i was on a cross and i was strapped down.

He was rushed away and i had to sit in silence as they stitched me up. It was horrifying not knowing what is going on and how your baby is. I was put into a recovery room until the feeling came back to lower half.

I wasn't able to see Collin for the whole first day. Zach took this picture for me so i could see what he looked like.

He was so tiny he only weighed 4lbs and 8oz and was 17 inch long. He was having trouble breathing and his temp would not hold.

I finally got to see him late the day after he was born. I had to stand up and walk as my reward i got to see my son. I went into the NICU and i could barely see him from all the wires, tube, and machines they had on him. It made me so sad and so happy at the same time. i got to touch him through the port holes but was not allowed to hold him yet.

The next day they told me to come down and try to feed him. I wanted to breastfeed. I finally got to hold him. But, he was so small he didn't have the strength to breastfeed. so i had to pump and put it into his feeding tube. After a week in the hospital i was released but Collin had to stay. I have never in my life cried as much as i did that day. I cried all the way home. I hated to sit and home and wait for Zach to get off work to do a 35 mile drive just to see my baby for a couple hours. Then i had the grueling task of leaving. I cried every time in the car ride home.

Each day he was getting better. i could feed him on the breast a little, he got rid of the feeding tube, had all the IVs taken out, each day something was a step in the right direction. I had to fight with the DR. a bit. both Zach and I have low body temp so he got released to a more open crib after that.

Finally we got the call....Collin can come home. He had been in the NICU 10 days. To this day i don't think any other news has made me happier! So that is why earth day is so special to me. It was the end to one of the most grueling emotional times i have ever had.

So i hear people making birth plans about home birth and whatnot. I can honestly say i am so so so glad i didn't do it. I actually encourage people not to rely on midwifes or homebirth in case of unforseen complications. It is scary to feel fine and not relize your body is rejecting to carring your baby. If i hadn't Collin and I would not be here, i feel so blessed for the people that saved us.